I hate You Squirrel. For Breaking Into My House.

**Disclaimer-- if you are one of those PETA people who does not even kill the snails in your garden or the cockroaches crawling on your bed then do not read any further. No, go work on your stupid fucking foie gras ban.** Thank you, the animal killing and eating management.

I hate you squirrel. For Breaking into my house. I hate you for eating my chocolate from France that came in a beautiful, thoughtful care package from my husband Friday. I hate you for making a complete mess of my vestibule with your thousands of nibbles on the green walnuts I brought home from the farm. I hate you for being able to fly and climb up flat wooden houses and slip in through a window opened two fucking inches so that I can some fresh fucking air! I hate you for being able to  do all your antics upside-down.

I hate that you knocked everything over, even the bowl of oily, stinky artichoke hearts even though you did not even eat them. I hate that I have no idea which bowl of buckwheat groats you stuck your dirty paws and teeth in. I hate that you chewed on plastic and so I know you spent too much time near my toaster on the counter. I hate you for snacking and not even finishing anything. I mean, my god, don't you know how wasteful that is?!

I hate you for making my little house feel violated and unclean.

I hate that even though the neighborhood is filled with fruit and nut trees you chose to ransack my house. I hate that I don't own a gun. I hate that I won't know it's you when I go squirrel hunting and I might kill your enemies instead. I hate that somehow I might make you happy.

I hate that I know my hate is illogical.

I hate you for spending the day in my house. An amazing day I was having at the two farmer's markets I love the most with my friend who will soon be in NYC cheffing because that's where so many great SF chefs go. I hate that SF does not support its great chefs enough to keep them from leaving.

I hate you squirrel. I hate you for chewing on a candy that's meant for display because they are little chocolate eggs wrapped in intricate flowered Italian foil. I hate that you disturbed my neatly laid out still lifes. I hate that now I don't feel safe in my bedroom because I never shut the window when it's not raining. I hate you for creeping me out.

I hate you squirrel for breaking into my house. I hate that even if I could go on a squirrel killing spree I will never kill you. Because you have already trespassed on me and my little abode and all the killing in the world could not make it untrue.

I hate that even if I had bleach in my house and a spray bottle, sanitizing you out of my creeped-out-edness would be impossible. I hate you squirrel. I hate you for using the beautiful canopy of Japanese Maple outside my window as a launching pad for breaking & entering my house. I hate that I now view that tree suspiciously. Like a fucking tree could be an accomplice.

I hate how emotions are fucking ridiculous when you type them out as words.

I hate that the upside of this is that now my house is really clean. It could be all the great coffee Michael and I shared from Blue Bottle coffee. I hate that being way too caffeinated could be the reason for feeling totally insane about my squirrel break-in.

I hate that humans feel entitled to all the space they take up and feel self righteous about killing animals who were here first. I hate that I'm one of those humans: stupid and filled with hubris.

I hate you squirrel. For living in the world with me. For being so prevalent in the East Bay. For looking cute when your tail is so fluffy and you are crouching on your hind legs eating acorns with your little  hands. I hate you for bringing out the worst in me. And maybe the best. I hate you squirrel for making me feel like you are responsible for my feelings. I hate that we think things "make us" something or other.

Aside from running amok there is no reason for you to take responsibility for how I feel or blaming me for how I "made" you feel.

I hate you squirrel. For bringing up in me how it feels to be trespassed. And powerless. And scared to be home alone. With windows that open. In nature.

I hate that I know you, squirrel, were just curious and hungry. And that aside from knowing where to return for good eats and snacks, this break-in has already left your tiny speck of a squirrel brain.

Comments

[Kudzu]

Shuna -- I suppose it could have been a squirrel, but before blaming all of the Rockies in the world, try to consider that it was (ugh) a rat. All over the Bay Area this summer everyone's having trouble with roof rats. They hide in ivy, climb trees, get into attics, squeeze themselves into spaces one thinks impossibly small......Keep an eye out for the awful rats, ask around your neighborhood to see whether anyone else is having problems....I really don't see a squirrel opening candy....And maybe the bitterness of the walnut shells drove whichever varmint it was back out of your house!....Yeah, I know I sound like Pollyanna, but be glad it wasn't a raccoon, who would really trash the whole place, or ---- a skunk.
PS Betcha felt better after writing.

[Toni]

She might have felt better for writing it until she read your note!

[sam]

I believe you timed your post to pop up at the exact same moment you dived into a Lafayette pool with all thoughts of squirrels far from your mind. Owen pointed a squirrel out to me - it was on his front lawn as we were winding down. I think he mentioned he hated them too. In fact I seem to recall him muttering something about wishing he had an air rifle [sorry - don't know how to spell the american word for that] so that he could make a squirrel pie.

[Catherine Ross]

Hi Shuna,

I think Kudzu is right - roof rats. We had some invade our garage and they ate a whole box of chocolate calcium chews right through the foil.They chew through wood and are smart and opportunistic. I can certainly relate to that feeling of your home being violated -it really freaked me out. I have to say, compared to the hideous river rats of my childhood, roof rats are about as cute as a rat gets (I used live traps, being one of those awful vegetarians). That said, I'd keep my windows shut if I were you. Good luck.

[KT]

There's a squirrel that has his secret nut hiding place right outside my office window. He doesn't know I've been spying on him. If you want, I can go out and ransack it and take little bites out of his nuts. That'll show those squirrels!

[Kudzu]

Feel I need to defend my advice. I didn't mean to freak you out more than you were freaked....If you want to leave windows open, get screens. I would practice caution against firearms (by the way, Sam, you were right except that they're usually called BB guns here; they are still illegal)....At least we don't have bears.

[shuna fish lydon]

OK, let me get something absolutely straight here.

I came home, opened the door, saw a squirrel, niblet in hands and mouth leap from my front table to the floor, look back at me, try and figure out what to do, leap onto an orchid, tip it over and manage to get out the window, 2 stories up, that was open TWO INCHES WIDE!!!!!!!

I called my landlord, she called screen people--- now all my windows but 2 have permanent screens on them. The rest will be done soon.

This squirrel post? It is not about a rat, a cat, a raccoon, a skunk, a bear or a possom. No. It is about the squirrel that I saw with my own eyes in my own house.

PS Yes, I did feel better after writing. And cleaning every square inch of anything that fucker might have touched for FIVE HOURS.

[Garrett]

Wow. *Hug*
I remember I wrote a post much like this about the UPS man once.
BTW: You have every right to be angry, and it's totally cool.
:-)

[Luisa]

oh, UGH. That is the absolute pits. I would be hating every squirrel in the world with hot, blinding rage if that had happened to me. Big hugs to you, and here's hoping your home goes back to feeling like your home, unvandalized and uninvaded, SOON.

[E&G]

This was wildly funny. The photo documentation was beyond of each sordid act was beyond. But you played it for more than laughs. It was like meeting the buddha in the middle of the road or something. (what do you do if you meet the buddha in the middle of the road? You kill it, right?). You were raging and barking and then you were overtaken by some kind of....epiphany? What an unlikely messenger. Have fun scrubbing and spraying.

[misha]

Yes, I saw it too...
Stupid Squirrel!

[Cookiecrumb]

OMG. I laughed. I cried. I loaded my gun.

[Jessica Wilson]

I don't know if this will comfort you, but I once read that the reason that squirrels hide their nuts all over the land is because they don't have the memory capacity to "have" a single hiding place. Perhaps this creature won't remember to return to your pad for his next looting. God willing.

[JO]

Oh Gosh...when I went to SF the most surprising thing was to see windows open to the world with no screens...in St. Louis we are screened in against flying insects. I thought it must be wonderful!!! I didn't think about squirrels.

[drbiggles]

Hey,

Whull, at least your legs weren't covered in wasps.
What kind of crazy apple did you leave in my pocket?

xo

[Julie]

A commiserating squirrelecdote: I was living in Brooklyn in an old brownstone house that was plagued with squirrels on the roof, in the walls, all over the place. I unthinkingly left the kitchen window (opening out onto the fire escape) open one night, and in the morning woke to a noise which was a squirrel wandering nonchalantly through the kitchen, the living room, and into my bedroom. Yes, I screamed, jumped out of bed, ran and got the upstairs neighbor who came down wearing gumboots and armed with a broom...by which time the squirrel had vanished out the window from whence s/he came. I'm sure the only reason the marauder left with so little damage was because I was actually home during the break-in...

[Roger]

I hate when people use chef as a verb. "Hey big fellow, you still cheffin' over there at that fancy restaurant?"
But I love Eggbeater!

[David]

The same thing happened to me when I lived in SF.
A four-legged intruder busted in my dog door and ate an entire 10# block of dark chocolate. I blamed it on a racoon, since squirrels are so cute and fuzzy with those big, bushy tails and adorable, sweet brown eyes.

And racoons are mean-ass motherf%$kers.

At least in SF, the vermin have good taste.

[Dad]

SUPER EXCELLENT WRITING!! So great to explode all that hate into funny, true, and truly loving words!! A real gift to your readers, and the many responses proce how happy we are to get it. Thank you, Shuna!

[yl]

Thank goodness we don't have squirrels in australia! I'm surprised they like chocolate... and fancy french chocolate too. that's one heck of a gourmet squirrel!

[shuna fish lydon]

Urban Vermin do seem to have quite a palate! I have seen mice and squirrels go straight for the best chocolate, even when other foods are easier to get to!

[Barbara Fisher]

Shuna--you need a cat.

A nice big, bravo cat, who will take care of that skulking vermin, whether it be squirrel or roof rat, for you.

Of course, then, you might have a body to clean up afterwards, but at least you'd know that the thieving little furball had gotten what was coming to him or her.

Great post, btw....thanks for sharing.

[Christine Cassidy]

Got screens yet?

At least screens keep them out. Our problem here in New Mexico is mice. They can squeeze under the door in 1/4" of space. I hate those meeces to pieces.

[Ron Sullivan]

That squirrel's ancestors weren't here before us, either. Those reddish squirrels we get in citise and'burbs are Eastern fox squirrels, and they've pretty much driven the native grays out of town. You can still see grays in Marin, but the ones in town are fox squirrels.

We had one break into our place in Berkeley years ago; it bit big bites out of the perfectly ripe pears -- one each -- and raided the pantry, knocked over the plants, scattered the papers, and chewed a big hole in the windowsill. We ID'ed it by the tracks it left. Apparently it came down the stovepipe.

There are recipes around for Brunswick stew, you know, and someone mentioned his Acadian memere's squirrel stomach pie on a listserv I'm on, last month. Alas, Memere's too far gone to give him the recipe. You make it in fall, when the stomachs are full of nuts.

[James Hoffa]

You call yourself a squirrel hater? every time I kill a squirrel i put a penny in a dish to keep track of how many. That change dish is now a coffee can 7/8 of the way full.