How To Shop At A Grocery Store in the USA

I realize you do not need to come to eggbeater to figure out how to do this. And maybe, like me, and the author, you work/used to work, at a food selling establishment and the last thing you want to read about is a tongue-in-cheek true-life story from someone else who does, but I have been begging this person to give me this very guest-blogging piece for quite some time now and last night it finally arrived in my in box!

The following text was not written by me. It was written by someone who needs to remain anonymous, as ____ keeps ___ establishment's name out of the piece, so that ____ can still work at said place and continue to pay rent & schools loans.

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The Smart Shopper’s Companion
or Grocery Shopping For Dummies

During my three year career as a cashier for a leading grocery chain, I have had occasion to observe “the shopper” in all his/her forms and manifestations.  It is this very study which has inspired me to compose an addendum to the quintessential “shopping list.”  It is my sincere hope that this addendum will aid the consumer in his/her shopping experience and will create a more harmonious shopping experience for both shopper and cashier.  It is, after all, our shopping which unites us.  A community which buys together stays together. 

And now, let us begin our study with a closer look at some of the more common shopper types.

Shopper Type [comes first in bold]
Shopping Cart Contents [comes second in italics]

The “Single” Shopper
The store’s entire frozen aisle and one box of Paul Mason Chablis
The Alcoholic
Two plastics quarts of “Vodka of the Gods” and one sixteen ounce canister of protein powder
The Soccer Mom
Sixteen juice boxes, thirteen packages of luncheon meat, twenty bags of string cheese and two boxes of $1.99 Merlot
The Vegan
Two blocks of soy cheese, eight cartons of soy milk,  three boxes of  fakin’ bacon, six tubs of micro greens and three cartons of Malboro Lights
The Grandma
Seven boxes of $.99 greeting cards, fourteen tubs of animal crackers, six boxes of chicken pot pies and two bottles of Jack Daniels

In studying the “cart contents” column above, I have been able to make some informed observations about not only individual shoppers but about society as a whole.

Societal Observations

1.    Alcoholism is on the rise.
2.    No one is trying to hide it.   

You are what you eat, or in this case, drink.  Shoppers who are concerned about their consumer image might do well to peruse this list in order to make better informed buying choices.  For example, if it is of concern to you that others not be privy to your escalating alcoholic tendencies, why not decorate your cart with items less obvious?  Trade your seven boxes of White Zinfandel for seven boxes of Gape Nuts cereal.  This gives the casual observer the impression that alcohol consumption does indeed take a backseat in your life to fiber count. 

Now that we have taken a careful look at the shopper types and have no doubt become painfully aware of the conversations our groceries are having with others, let us broaden our horizons by debunking some of the most widespread grocery shopping myths. 

Shopping Myths

1. Children enjoy shopping.
2. Children make grocery shopping more fun for everyone.
3. The shopper quip, “Well, it must be free” in response to one of their grocery items not scanning is:
    a.    Funny
    b.    Original
4. “Have you checked your eggs?” is a gynecological question.   
5. Shopping carts magically disappear once you don’t need them anymore. 
6. Free food samples constitute lunch.   
7. Cell phones calls during the grocery check-out and payment process spread feelings of harmony and well being. 
8. Your deep feelings and concerns about specific grocery items are:
    a.    shared
    b.    interesting
    c.    important
9. Empty spaces on grocery shelves double as trash receptacles.
10. Ten items or less means eleven items or more.
11. We close at 9pm means we close at 9pm, except for you. 

While assembling this addendum, it became clear to me that much of the confusion surrounding the grocery shopping experience could be simplified by means of a simple conversion chart.  To that end, I have translated some of the more common “shopper” phrases into “cashier speak.”  It is my hope that both sides will benefit from this clarification. 

What the shopper says [in bold]
What the cashier hears [in italics]

Is this gluten free?
You and I will spend the next seven hours deciphering the contents of every item in the store.
I’d help you bag my groceries but I’m just no good at it.
I’m an entitled asshole who’s never done a lick of work in my life. 
I can’t carry anything too heavy. 
Put one item in each bag or there will be hell to pay.
(Cutting ahead in line.) I only have one item. 
I won’t be here for the revolt I cause by cutting in your cashier line but you will. 
Is it always this busy?
You’re slow as hell. 
Every time I’m in here you never have (fill in the blank.) 
You’re harboring (fill in the blank) as a fugitive.
I know you’re closing but I just need one more thing. 
The world revolves around me and my needs.
(While staring directly at the cashier’s nametag, uniform and box cutter.) Do you work here?
I’m passive aggressive.  Run for your life.

Armed with this handy translation chart any shopper can come prepared to make his/her new shopping experience a more informed one.  And now in closing, I would like to sum up this addendum with a brief but cautionary tale. 

There once was a man whose habit it was to display the worst shopper etiquette.  During the course of his shopping history, he managed to alienate each and every cashier in his local grocery store.  Alas, one day, it came to pass that in his town there was a food shortage.  All of the townspeople from near and far crammed their way into the local grocery store.  Most, due to their excellent shopping manners, were given provisions to make it through the famine.  But alas, this ill humored man was left grocery-less and alone to salvage his provisions from his neighbors trash receptacles. 

The morale of this story, or of this shopping addendum, if you like, is that everyone remembers an asshole.  And perhaps more importantly, just as “Are you always this busy?” is “shopper speak” for “You’re slow as hell,” so is, “I’m sorry we don’t have any more in stock” “cashier speak” for “I remember you.  You’re the asshole who cut on my line last week.  We have two hundred boxes of Pinot Grigio in our stock room but it’ll be a cold day in hell before I bring it out to you.”

 

Comments

[Latecia]

I have so many times wondered what my shopping cart reveales to others. Since I don't buy wine in a box or many processed foods, I hope that it just says that I'm a food snob and not a bitch.

[Aaron]

That was hysterical!!! So well written. That dark humor and cynicism was exactly what I needed on yet another cloudy morning.

[Garrett]

Uh oh, they invaded your store too, huh?

[Alexa]

Luckily, in Canada and specifically in Ontario where I live, you can't buy your booze where you get your veg and meat, so my greengrocer has no idea what kind of a lush I am. Whew!

[erik_flannestad]

Hilarious.

I like to think I at least get some credit by not being drunk or having alcohol on my breath when I buy spirits, wine, or beer in the grocery store.

Maybe I should get a nametag, "I'm not a drunk, I just blog about cocktails."

[Lucy]

Ah, yes, retail. How I miss it.

For 17 years I put up with these sort of people...funny, but once you escape a 'service' role, you never, ever behave badly. Reckon everyone should have to do it for 12 months at least.

Love those vegans with their soy.

[Mattdub]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! 6 years in the place that sold the plastic bottles of "vodka of the Gods" and I still remember the sweet old ladies coming in right when we opened to get a box of cookies and the largest bottle of Jose Cuervo on the shelf.

INDIVIDUALLY BAGGED OF COURSE!!!!

[Diane]

Funny!

I think good old Berkeley Bowl is the antithesis of this. But you pay for that feeling...oh yes you do. Not with $, but with total chaos and crowded aisles. The Berkeley Bowl shopper always bags his/her own (and competes as to who can have the most politically-correct bag). The wierdo vegetable count is high - probably higher than the alcohol (hah - you're only buying mizuna? I'm buying that AND gai-lan...). And the frozen aisle is dwarfed by the bulk bins (after all who would buy frozen pizza when they can have chinese black forbidden rice).

[maddy]

Fabulous. Dead on. Although I cashiered in a state where grocery stores weren't allowed to sell booze...so I never got to observe that interesting aspect of people's personalities.

[sam]

I am so glad I shop at the farmers market instead

[barbara]

I always have a nosy at the alcohol in other peoples trolleys.

As for check out caashiers I am overly nice to them to compensate for all the people I see treat them rudely.