/where I've been & what I've been doing.

In the kitchen making hundreds of biscuits. Waking up at 4;40  and 5 am. Seeing best friends who've moved away. Laying awake at night thinking about my bank account. Taking much needed naps. Receiving very odd emails from cooks who work at my old job. Trying to keep my house clean after 12 hour days.

Wondering whether the way I've been teaching works for me anymore. Struggling to make ends meet. Contemplating getting rid of my health insurance that costs what my rent did 10 years ago. Seeing partridge eggs at Sea Salt! Trying to reconcile this industry and career within myself.

Sleeping in when I can, past 7 am. Watching Spring stay and slowly hand hold summer in. Applying for a teaching job elsewhere. Taking in new heady ripe scents at Monterey Market and eating my first English peas of the season. Preparing to go to Mendocino for a wedding weekend affair. Enjoying my favorite TV show after the Writer's Strike ended. Taking solace in watching the light change through the treehouse at dusk.

Attempting to stay true to my 365 photo project. Becoming more involved with Flickr. Testing secret recipe homework at home. Working out what happened, emotionally, in Florida. Working out how I can get my bicycle on the train so I can stop driving to work. Trying to keep my fears about the future at bay. Trying to see friends so flour and butter aren't my only comrades.

Getting a small pastry department in order so we're not just giving the food away. Tentatively giving my opinions to a new restaurant owner. Figuring out what my goals are so that I can work towards them. Trying not to be too scared about the economy and what it means for my industry and therefore my livelihood. Thinking of ways to keep my expenses down. Eating as much as I can at staff meal.

Rolling out pie dough in a 90F room. Taking baths to relax muscles. Working physically harder than I have in years. Loving my orchid spikes and welcoming them back to the windowsill. Barely keeping up with other blogs, let alone my own. Having anxious dreams. Looking forward to summer but I can't say why exactly. Reading The New Yorker.

It's bittersweet for me lately. Am trying to tread water and work towards a more lively, hopeful time. With all the news, it's hard to see a bountiful future. It's why I'm glad to have great support, a homey home, and farmers' markets close at hand.

~ Thanks for reading.

Comments

[Megan]

So many lovely sentiments here, but this is my favorite: Watching Spring stay and slowly hand hold summer in.

[Anita]

If you go 'elsewhere', you have to take us with you.

[Garrett]

*hugs*
Keep hanging on! I'm rooting for ya'!

[Karen]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful posts. You are a true inspiration to many that read your blog. This last post is a bit of an anthem for many people in many areas of life that share your frustration. Recently, a new album from a band by the name of Langhorne Slim, put a song out there called Diamonds and Gold. I would like to gift this to you. It is a powerful and fun song that many are understanding during these tough times. The song will be sent via itunes to your email. Enjoy and many many thanks.

[Aran]

Oh Shuna... I want to give you a hug so badly. I feel everything you are saying... from the state of the world, to making ends meet, to reconciling your career and a stable life, to rolling pastry dough in a 90 degree room (that one I REALLY felt!). Like my sister in law told me the other day, "let's not worry about the future because the future is only the present". Easy to say right? But I think it's true.

We love your honesty and freedom but I know sometimes that same honesty might bring you heartache. It's the only way to really be free though.

All I can say is that I will be here to listen and to support you in any way I can.

Thank you Shuna.

[Bryan]

beautiful.
the sentence about seeing friends so that butter and flour aren't your only comrades makes me tear. approaching raw ingredients from another angle, i also know the feeling.
it's a push-and-pull to create work in this (or any) medium that we choose and then balance time with others who sustain and inspire us.
please keep doing what you're doing.

[julie]

Amen, sister. Know that you are not alone with your doubts and fears. I think many people share them including myself. Also, know that you are not alone. I cannot tell how much I enjoy reading your blog. Take care.

[Tartelette]

As summer approaches I feel the same anxiety and the same skips in my heart. Right now it's "going back to hell hole because my blood misses it so bad it hurts, or not going back to hell hole even if I was nicel asked to consider it"...mmmm
Whatever you decide I know you will excel at it!

[devon]

Shuna, you have a good heart. A *strong* heart. Sometimes challenges are just what we need to realize what awesome people we are inside. I can't wait for you to come out on top on the other side of these days and say, "Damn! It was a little iffy there for a bit, but whew! I rock." 'Caaaaaause you do.

Baby steps: don't miss the lessons. *HUG*

[Dad & Ellen]

This is a fine piece of writing. Clear, quiet, and brave. And from the many comments, I can see that you reach many people. You give them something. Shuna, you are the real deal!!

[Dr. Biggles]

Hi !!!

[pastrystudio]

Hey, it's been awhile since I checked in here - crazy busy in my own orbit. Just want to tell you how much your solliloque resonates. You have an incredible talent and an incredible blog. Thank the universe for fresh fruit. Keep going!