I've ignored you, eggbeater.
I've ignored you, people who read eggbeater.
It's for a lot of reasons. None of them good. Or explanatory. Or accurate. Or inaccurate.
All of them rationalizations. None of them valid. All of them murky.
But I'm going to make a list.
Maybe that will help.
I love lists. They usually help. Except when they don't.
The Why I Have Been Ignoring Eggbeater. A List.
Of Reasons. Possible and Accurate and Ridiculous All.
~out of tune drumroll please
working too many hours.
spending too much time dispelling wantonly on twitter.
cleaning the house. thoroughly.
having a houseguest from oakland.
working too many shifts.
not cooking at home.
not taking a lot of photos.
feeling blue. and cerulean.
making long phone calls to the states.
not making enough phone calls to the states.
taking care of best friends falling apart.
feeling like i live in legal/illegal limbo.
having to hide the names of the places i work/have worked.
thinking that eggbeater doesn't give you what other food blogs give you.
moving to a new country.
wishing i knew more about technology and feeling behind the times.
wanting to re-design eggbeater and not feeling like i have the time or know-how.
not eating enough fruit and vegetables in season.
not understanding how British seasons work.
having a secret relationship as i was losing my first job.
having extreme difficulty navigating the personal-political-managerial egos of my new workplace.
having constant foot-in-mouth disease.
believing the things recent ex said about americans.
being caught up in inordinate drama with the ex and his profound narcissism. (self procalimed: i'm not saying anything he didn't say about himself)
feeling pressure to give recipes recipes recipes.
not feeling like recipes mean much.
being terrified friends of mine here and in states were going to kill themselves.
feeling as though food blogs are ridiculous in the scheme of world and personal affairs.
not feeling like i belong to the clique of london food bloggers.
turning into a girl.
trying my hand at dating for the first time in a long time.
only eating tea for breakfast and cheese for supper.
angry that i don't know where home is.
feeling the pressure from friends in the states to 'come home.'
feeling betwixt & between.
worrying that my life is moving backwards or staying stagnant.
moving someplace where 'my past is erased.' who i am is an unknown. how i work is questioned.
traveling between confident & low self esteem. as if the border were impossibly thin; permeable.
feeling like the odd man out at work.
promoting my workplace on social media venues.
lack of inspiration.
not having time or gumption to read other people's blogs.
being overwhelmed by my email inbox.
noticing how few personal emails i get. and write.
wanting to write about really big subjects and not knowing where to start.
having few people to share my food thoughts with.
feeling unrequited love with an old love.
marking 4 years since the day she died.
turning 17. amongst people who constantly offer me a drink/give me hangover advice.
living in a new city which is both familiar and foreign.
missing and being missed.
missing having chefs/cooks/pastry chefs as friends.
missing california fruit and one farmer and two dogs.
missing portland oregon.
feeling tired, physically & emotionally, from time at work & worry about friends.
not seeing enough nature.
feeling like summer passed me by because i never went swimming or did anything 'summery.'
wondering why i'm here.
wondering where else i should be.
spending too much time alone & without structured plans with friends.
spending too much time at work or working.
it's like playing hooky from school. and for every day that passes, the day to go back becomes exponentially more difficult.
it's rare this chef takes suggestions, but if you have gentle ones, fold 'em up and put them in the hat. i miss eggbeater too, and would like to know what you'd like to see to get you back here more regularly.
until then, thanks for reading, even if intermittently.