Craigslist: job hunting {dark} humor

Sometimes just for the halibut I go tip-toeing through the {retail/food hosp.} help-wanted ads on Craigslist. Truly it is the best way to find out who has left which restaurant in any city. Like news photographers who put a police radio in their own cars, Craigslist can tell you what the press doesn't know or restaurant won't tell you.

The ads can be funny, ridiculous and pathetic. A restaurant needing a pastry chef every three months conjures a kitchen reminiscent of The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover. Or Delicatessen. Too bad in interviewing for jobs we can't chat with the last person who held the position. (And it would be nice for lovers too, eh?)

I like a straightforward, well written, specific ad that tells me enough to go on, or lure me in. One of the best jobs I ever held wrote mysterious, alluring text I read over and over until I was bewitched into sending my resume. I knew not where in SF the restaurant was located, nor what the cuisine was. Good thing because it was two buses, over an hour from my then Mission flat away and Moroccan, both of which would have indeed held my resume back.

But my goodness, some of these ads are so hysterical I send them to cook friends far and wide to share dark mirth.

Here are some (Bay Area, N. California) examples with my sarcastic commentary:

"AMERICANO RESTAURANT NAMED ONE OF SAN FRANCISCO'S TOP DINING DESTINATIONS BY GOURMET MAGAZINE, OCTOBER 2005!
Seeking an experienced Pastry Cook with a minimum of 1 year of experience in pastry production and plating in a San Francisco high end restaurant. Must have complete competency with English Weights & Measures to complete standardized recipes. Must possess a professional set of kitchen tools including a chef’s knife, paring knife, peeler, zester, pastry brush and vegetable peeler. "

The last time this ad appeared on Craigslist a few months ago the restaurant's name was left out. (Good thing Gourmet just gave them press.) Have they really had cooks who don't know how to weigh and measure in ounces and pounds? Was the last cook fired because she lied and said he did in fact own a vegetable peeler? Really now! And you wonder why I am a little critical of culinary schools?!

"Reply to: mietteATmiettecakesDOTcom
We have one full-time position for a Baker in our East Bay baking facility. Candidate must have transportation, the ability to lift 50 pounds and experience working in a commercial kitchen.
Hours:  Full-time position  Monday-Friday 8am-4pm
Duties:  Production of cakes, cupcakes, scones and laminated doughs.
Benefits:  Medical, paid vacation and sick pay"

Now here's a bakery I have seen the inside of. 'Commercial kitchen' is not the nomenclature I would choose, but at least they're saying exactly what they will require of you. 'Transportation' good. 'The ability to lift 50#' great. 'Sick pay' really?? Amazing! Suffice to say that I have NEVER been given ANY sick days from any restaurant/kitchen job.

Because this next ad is way too long I am going to give you the highlights:

"Reply to: gottalovecupcakesAThotmailDOTcom
Sibby’s Cupcakery is a boutique cupcake bakery located in San Mateo. We specialize in custom cupcakes made from scratch with TLC and the finest ingredients available."

This is very good to pay attention to: not all bakeries make their goods from scratch or with tender lovin' care.

"Key responsibilities include:
Deliveries, Packing cupcakes, Managing calendar on the computer, Taking orders Assisting customers (phone/email), Generating and sending receipts to customers, Managing subscriber list, Washing dishes/cleaning, Assisting the bakers, Helping out where necessary
* Must have strong computer skills
* Must have proof of clean DMV record and carry auto insurance
If this sounds like the right fit for you, we’d love to hear more about you! Please email a cover letter, resume and your favorite cupcake flavor..."

This is an awful lot of work, right? Here is the clincher:

"Compensation: Pay will be hourly, based on experience. Benefits include cupcakes and paid time off. We do not currently offer other benefits. This is a part-time job."

Last time I checked, the emergency room did not accept cupcakes made with the best ingredients as a form of payment. Landlords neither. Just so you all know a person who sells baked goods should not be in the same salary bracket as the person who makes them; according to me and some government agencies. Just a thought to snack on...

This ad is beyond vague:

"Reply to: newpacificheightsrestaurantAThotmailDOTcom
Pastry Chef wanted for new upscale restaurant in Pacific Heights. Minimum 3 years pastry experience"

If you were a lawyer would you email your resume to: 'Nice law firm in downtown San Francisco seeks lawyer with college diploma,' at a hotmail account?!

This next ad scared me. It's so long I can't even paste it in here. Quotes include:

"8. Attends to day-to-day issues and needs concerning equipment and food supplies; detects and ensures disposition of spoiled or unattractive food, defective supplies/equipment, and/or other unusual conditions. ..

CONDITIONS OF EMPLOYMENT:
• Must possess a Food Handler’s Certification ie: servsafe
• Be a Certified Pastry Chef "

Can someone illuminate me as to what a 'certified pastry chef is' ? Guess that means I'm not one, eh?

"WORKING CONDITIONS AND PHYSICAL EFFORT:
• Work involves moderate exposure to unusual elements, such as extreme temperatures, fumes, smoke, odors, and/or loud noises. Work in close quarters on a 150 foot yacht. "

Unusual elements? Eek! At least they're nice and specific. Someone who has done their culinary training in the military might be a good fit. Or the Coastguard:

"• Moderate physical activity. Requires handling of average-weight objects up to 50 pounds or standing for more than four (4) hours per day.
* Non smoker preferred "

Love how they all save the important details for the end. Like the fact that you will be cooking on a moving vehicle.

And don't forget, when dealing with sending your resume through the dark hole of the Internet: 1. no attachments. {We kitchen folk are a mostly computer illiterate crowd.} 2. You will have absolutely no idea if the restaurant you sent it to ever got it.

But for those of us who still think the newspaper should have never been replaced I give you this simple, straightforward, old-fashioned help wanted ad. It makes me want to smile and give it's cheek a little pinch:

"Cafe Rouge a popular west Berkeley restaurant is seeking an experienced Pastry chef.  Salaried position, Wednesday thru Sunday                                                                  
Benefits include vacation pay, 401k, and profit sharing.
Contact Marsha or Rick
Fax to [ number has been deleted by S.F.L. ]"

Comments

[jen]

Shuna - I keep forgetting to talk to you about this. I am not sure whether to thank you or scold you, as I have been hooked on reading this section of Craigslist for a while now and it's all your fault. That weights and measures one made me giggle too ... and I don't know what's up with newpacificheightsrestaurant. It's like they are trying to be secretive to keep the lookie-loos away or something. What I am wondering is where an NY deli who is seeking a pastry chef is going in near me ...

[cookiecrumb]

Oh, I hope you get the Rouge job! I love that place.
This was loads of fun to read.

[Brett]

A certified pastry chef? Aren't all you pastry chefs certifiable?;-D

[haddock]

I scan these every day, although I rarely read the ads themselves, just the headlines.

I've got mixed feelings about the classifieds. I've never run one as an employer that has brought me anything but idiots. I've found a few worthwhile gigs through them but I usually feel like there's a little something wrong with both parties in the transaction.

But I always look. It's like rubbernecking at an accident.

[Dr. Biggles]

Hey, just tell them you've been certified through Meathenge Labs, that'll cinch it.

[mycrazywife]

Dang, your a funny s.o.b.