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« Passover Dessert, belated | Main | eggbeater t shirts on the move »

20 April 2006


Ooh, I'm all seductived.
Go for it!

Your poem is strong when you turn to sirens and marine imagery. Retain that focus. Work on extending that section and consider cutting images that are not related. Opening line does not work in terms of logic or grammar. Iron staircases are not alive & there's no verb connected to the girl's hair. Look for something that you place later in the poem that you might move to the beginning. Language is always about communication, so clarity is important. Feeling comes across very powerfully.

Like an iron staircase that *is* alive. The verb is implied, and the implication makes the metaphor work. You don't need perfect grammar in a poem. The orange crush brings the earlier 'crush' back with an evocation of the icy sweetness of the soft drink. I think that this poem works perfectly.

This is marvelous, Shuna. I love how food works its way into your poetry even. The appetites, they are not so different. No?

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