letter to a friend ~

I know you don't have time to read my love. you're sleeping.
but listen here you.
I believe in you.
and i am honored that you can be vulnerable with me. it means that you trust me.
and   t r u s t   is very hard for us.
and i don't want to be the only sad one.
because then you always have the pressure of being the happy one.
and if it's true that you're always happy, then i can't live up to that pressure either.

remember this walk we had where i was trying to explain this life lesson i had one day when someone told me to practice asking for help? she said that if you never ask for help, and then one day you muster all this courage to finally take the plunge, and that ONE person that you have placed all your help-asking eggs into their basket, lets you down,
then it is only fodder for reminding ourselves that we need to remain "going the big bad world alone" and that people suck and how on earth could this ONE person let me down and don't they know what a great honour i placed upon them and life sucks and it's always going to be hard and it always was and it always will be
bullshit
keeps us in the same fucking place where we have always been:
stuck
frustrated
pissed off
bewildered
closed up
living in a tiny pressure cooker.

life is so much better when we are just doing the best we can
and having room to breathe (no matter how busy we are. = it's not about the business, it's about the space we give ourselves to be human.)
and letting others in
even when they let us down
and leaving the door open for new people
to love, but also to let go of

G. M! you listen here husband!
you have taken on a massive challenge.
you care a lot about it
you are not alone
you will fail and you will succeed and you will cry and you will be tired and you will feel that no matter what you do it is not enough and you will laugh and you will be terrified and you
will leap tall buildings in a single bound.

you care a lot. about what people think of you. about doing the best job in the entire world. about being perfect. about being superman.

we care too much.
we work too hard.
we think that whatever it is we are doing in the moment it is insurmountable.
we think people don't understand. we think we will never find love. we think that the best person in our sorry goddamned fucking lives is dead and how on earth can we go on.

but we do.
we take baby steps.
we look around at the surreal world that dares to keep on living and we are in awe. we're mad. so angry that we can't even speak.
and we learn how to live, angrily. we learn how to survive and people look at us in wonderment. they say, he broke his foot but he is at his job, feeding thousands of people with exceptional inspired desserts, WITH ONLY ONE ASSISTANT, and he sits on a milk crate and he works every single day, with no day off, for 96 days. and they can't believe it.
and we can't either.
but we don't let on, we act like it's nothing compared to the carnage we've witnessed.
cleaned up after.

we worry that something is wrong with us. we worry that we are getting old without retirement plans. we worry that we will be penniless again.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT MOTHERFUCKER?

we have SURVIVED being penniless. we are still standing. still calling each other from thousands of miles away to tell one another that we love them. and that we hope the other will not end their loves. go over the bridge. drink again. get in the car with harmful strangers. work for closeted, insane, violent chefs who might be famous but might as well be the flesh eating disease incarnate.

we show up for each other because we are the same. we fight against ourselves to make peace with our deck of foreign cards.

how did i get here?
I'm scared.
people think i'm someone else. what will they do to me when they find out who i really am?

guess what g. m?
you can. yes.

and you are.

amazing but true.

now, whether you want to, that's another story. one that takes more honesty than we can barely muster.
i can live with violence. i can live destitute. i can handle anything. i can live hungry. i can live with people who say they love me, but don't. i can live every day while i kill myself slowly. i can watch someone die. i can never show the world that i am vulnerable. i can never cry again. i can work in preposterous conditions. i can live my life from a place of neverending fear. and resentment.

but

Do I Want To?

My dear friend, my soulmate, my husband, my brother
your life is an outfit. wear whatever you like. however you like!
we choose to live. to challenge ourselves. to show up every day.
no matter what.
but you know what?
the truth is that I love you. even the parts that fill into the lines you might think are empty. even when you're sad. when you fail. when you persist.
i love you even more when you're human.
because then i can trust that I am allowed to be human too.

it is the exchange we make. the gifts we give.

I love you no matter if you're working for nothing or everything. because i care about you. and I know you can, but you may not always know you don't want.

although I have a feeling that you want this. this new place, this new impossible job.
i just hope you don't want it to prove to us all that you are less than we know you are.
show up, wear that outfit, do the best you can, laugh at a few disasters, laugh at yourself, start eating milkshakes, go out dancing, work too many hours, save some money, spend more money, pick up cute boys, import your glasses, look fabulous, call me out of the blue,

and remember to please ask for help. no ambushing g. no.

you were chosen to do this job, over-your-head, maybe, because someone who is smarter than you about you knows you are the perfect fit for the job! and that's that!

I am proud of you. happy for you. even when you think all the terrible things you're thinking. yes, i know you're thinking them.

i love you g. m. and i hope you stick around my life a few more decades.

Comments

[Kudzu]

This is an astonishingly personal post and very brave. There is nothing I can say that can relate to its message except that whoever is the center of this should feel blessed to have you as a friend. And it told me almost as much about you as about the recipient...........

[Tea]

Wow, a friend--and a friendship--indeed. There is wisdom and love here. Thank you for sharing both with us.

[petite_sirene]

Wow. That's all that I can say. This was heartbreakingly beautiful and the subject of this should be honored to have you in his life. Thank you for this awesome piece. It inspires me and brings me hope for tomorrow.

[emma]

Thank you for this post. It's given me more courage -- courage I have been sorely lacking -- in the matter of calling back someone who's let me down terribly and seems to want to make amends. I'm scared to death, but your words hit me intensely, right in the knees if you want to know the truth, and I think it's time to return the call.

[McAuliflower]

gawd... Shuna... my monitor is all blurry now.

[kirk wilder]

f-u-c-k yeah!