Work Break-Up Blues, part II

There are phases in every break-up. At first the other person is the enemy. They are at the root of all the fault. We're innocent. We're the ultimate victim.

Then the heartbreak sets in. We miss them. Terribly. But we can't tell our friends, because they've been On Our Side and villainized the other with us. Concocted elaborate plans for revenge. Stayed up late with us devising mean letters and perhaps have been there when we've called the other crying or screaming. "Drunk Phone Calls" or not, they've seen our most pathetic sides come out, but not judged us for it. A good friend gets into the ring with us, but breaks  up the fight before blood is let.

It's because everyone has a messy break-up at least once. Don't they?

Some say it's best to sleep with someone new right away. A new lay evicts the last person right quick. A new lay may or may not know he's a quick replacement, the hair of the dog, a rebound. Some say you should take some time off from relationships: think about what worked and didn't and think long and hard before doing someone else.

Some tell you to get right back on that horse. Got thrown off? Broke your neck? No matter, get back in the saddle and show that horse who's boss.

But what if the horse runs away?

What if your legs are paralyzed from the fall? What if after the person leaves you, you can't stop crying? What if they have not just broken your most recent heart, but have reminded you of all the break-ups that have come before them?

What if you've recently lost the most important person in your life? What if you thought by losing them you may not have the will to go on living?

And this person looks insignificant compared?

Break-ups are never clean. A friend of mine in H.S. used to say the only break that's clean is calcium, not people.

As the break-up blues go on, it becomes easier to see that it wasn't all the other person's fault. The hope is that we start to look at our part. We see  it takes two to tango. Two to tangle. We see how our intentions could have been misunderstood. We may see their side even.

"All is fair in love and war."

The hope is that we do some of the hard work it takes to accept what happened. To accept how we wronged them, how they hurt us.

A good friend of mine reminds me often that it's easier to get mad than sad.

Sometimes the break-up brings us to a higher plane of learning about ourselves. Maybe we attempt to make some hard-line boundaries. About what we're willing to put up with in the future. Because:

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results."

Because: "If I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got."

Because: "Sometimes god does for us what we cannot do for ourselves."

You know what I'm tired of? Being abandoned. Being given up on. Being given a scrap and being told it's a feast I should be eternally grateful for. I'm done with living in poverty. I'm tired of living in the ghetto of my mind, my past.

Being told when I'm hurt it's my fault and when they're hurt it's my fault.

But mostly I'm really tired of being to someone only what is useful for them. Being treated like a daughter when I never get a call on my birthday. Being treated like a child when I've been caring for myself since I was 6. Being treated like a grown-up when those older than me are looking for parental care.

A few weeks ago I said to my sweetheart that the restaurant industry is for those who are blind. Blind to all that lies beneath the surface. We work a million hours so we're too exhausted to notice or have the energy to fight the abuse. We live and breathe and sleep the kitchen so that those who don't wear whites can't see us long enough to criticize our work habits.

We lose perspective.

And it's exactly what we would need to see beyond the next service, the next produce order, the next holiday, the next 9 days without a night off.

I love my industry. It doesn't sound like it? Well then you're oversimplifying love. Sound like I'm moaning? I am. Sound like I'm a bratty complainer? Maybe, but sometimes one must write it all out to understand it. Attempt the impossible: to understand the mysterious. Emotions are not logical. And either is the driving passion which has driven my career thus far.

Sometimes we need to deconstruct to reconstruct.

My industry is full of secrets. Secrets which keep the innocent and the guilty safe alike. Secrets that no one wants exposed for fear of change. Secrets which are never spoken aloud, never written on paper. There are voices, loud, which say the same things, but no one in particular utters them.

I've said this before: the relationships I've had with chefs and cooks are as close, if not sometimes more intimate, than those I have slept with. I am bonded with certain people forever, whether we see or work with each other again or not.

Mourad tells me we're family. That he'll love me unconditionally whether we ever speak again or not.
---------------------------

Life has been interesting since she died. I have stepped out from a shadow I lived in/behind for almost 37 years. She was big. She demanded a lot of attention. She was famous and smart and everyone knew her. We were competitive. I wasn't allowed to write until she gave me her blessing. We were parent and child and it was never obvious whom was doing the better job with whom in which role.

I'm
lost.
{without
her.}

I came to my industry with nothing. I have loved it hard, passionately, delusionally, ferociously, defensively and without compromise.

But it's time I re-invented myself. Designed an outfit to include all that I am, have been, and am starting to be. It may not look familiar to you. Or I.

Comments

[misha]

this was beautiful in so many ways...Bravo!

[sam]

It sounds like you are making progress and news of that gladdens my heart. Remember you have friends who have no intention of ever abandoning you.

[Kung Foodie]

gray winter days. creatures dig deep pushing for warmth, finding strength, surviving. let it wash over and around you. embrace the season. rise up from the waves a new being.

[Yazmena]

It sounds like you have a lot more going on than just work break up blues. I hope and pray that this phase shall soon pass. You are very strong and your self-reflection inspires me.

[Garrett]

Sometime some personal re-invention, taking up new acticities, and discovering new sources of joy in life are the best way to deal with things.
That's partly how I started my blog in a way, and I've made wonderful friends and had great new experiences by it. Sometimes the heartbreak may be just what you need to really propel your life.
*huggle*

[shelly]

To be honest, the first time I attended one of your classes, I wondered why you weren't working for yourself full-time. It seems to me that chefs tend to make more money without killing themselves when they are their own boss.

You're an excellent teacher, an honest, expressive writer, and a talented chef. I'm confident you can make a living on your own terms, using all your talents.

[mare]

A career is akin to a lifetime love ~ beautifully done Shuna.

[Kelley G.]

For this one I can tell you only that the tears on my sweatshirt went plop and plop.

[Raspil]

awesome post, and congrats on the win. you're deffo one of my favorites.

getting back on the horse helped me learn how to separate love and sex and vice versa. what a difference that made for the better. talk about liberating.

and remember, to those of us out here in the industry who read your blog (not outsiders looking in wishing they could be like this but know they can't for various reasons), you are preaching to the choir. everything you've said has made perfect sense to me. i can tell with ease that you love this industry. when you're in it for the right reasons, it's hard to not love it. and as cheesy as it sounds, those who abandon you don't know what they've lost. you can't be held responsible for someone else's insecurities. i've been told the same thing -- "i'm not making you feel this way (especially a negative emotion), you're making yourself feel that way." biggest load of bullSHIT in the world.

as far as losing someone, i learned very early in my education that people come and go all the time and to get too attached to one is a set up for major destruction. i saw it happen to someone while i was in school and i thought it was the most pathetic thing i'd ever seen in my life and vowed never to act the same. i don't know all of your situation and don't mean to judge it by any stretch, but it is also my nature to be ready to move on and jam at a moment's notice. change is inevitable. people move on, they die, they get fired, they lose interest, whatever. i have learned to not put so much emphasis on the person but what they do/did/have done. take what i can learn and move on to the next lesson. it keeps me grounded.

"But it's time I re-invented myself. Designed an outfit to include all that I am, have been, and am starting to be. It may not look familiar to you. Or I."

be nothing more than you are or you might risk alienating yourself from yourself. know you are loved for who you are. to deviate from that could be painful. tread carefully.

[lee]

I've always felt that ending a job is like a relationship ending. you wrote about it far more eloquently than I ever could.
The thing is, as we get older and we have layers of hurt wrapped around our heart, it becomes harder to fall in love with abandon. Trying something new will allow you to open up more because you don't know what you are in for exactly.

[cookies4andi]

Yor r beautiful in so many ways.....
Life is life,its rather simple......
The best is you r following your passion..Kudos for living with spirit..and curiousity...answers come and go...
Loss is NEVER easy...
Its the losses that build us up and give us proof to ultimately whom and what we become..
Character is built on foundations that strengthen us....
Its the contradictions of life that fuel us ....enjoy the moments and GOOD memories
There will always be loss and its our real sadness that makes us human....and sadly it ALWAYS seems to sucks!!!!
This too will pass...around the corner comes sunshine...and a pocket placed in your heart to contain your special heart breaks...
37 years is just the beginning...
forget your age.its a number,although a fact...
Be patient with yourself.....
Hugs,
Andi*

[Allison]

37 years young, eh?

[Tana]

I know it's unbelievable, but I did not have a messy break-up with my ex. I kept telling him, "You deserve to be adored, and something must be wrong with me, because I just can't adore you." Well, nothing was wrong with me—we were just not right for each other. But because we held the belief that we both deserved adoration, and that there was no blame or fault in poor chemistry, then we were able to move on and find new love elsewhere. He's been with his second wife for over ten years now, and I've been with my man for more since 1991. And my ex remains family: I love him like a brother, and our daughter is secure and happy because she did not undergo a brutal, nasty divorce. We have family holidays together, and are welcome in each other's homes always.

Everything in relationships is chenistry and timing. There is nothing else. Anyone who is capable of adoration, devotion, and commitment likewise deserves them, and should not settle for less.

As far as how long to wait before you take the plunge, I'm of the "reflect on who I am for a good long while" school of thought. Rarely are rebound relationships satisfying on any but a sexual level. Unless it's just a fling for the fun of it...but in no way must vengeful "I'll show THEM" thoughts be connected, or healing will be delayed.

Just my two cents. (Coming from a woman who is on good terms with all but one of my ex-boyfriends.)

Good luck on it all, Shuna.

[MAGALI]

Just curious how the heartfelt ruminations of your recent work experience ,and the newness of the blogging world to reflect on the ordeal with your readers is settling with the owners of the restaurant.....have you had to edit any comments of theirs....just the intimacy of the vehicle et al led me to wonder....