if you don't know who you are this will confuse you.

something amazing happened today yesterday. something I was hoping for but could not have expected. something shattered and honesty broke forth. there are things I cannot talk about because they are not mine to tell. but for myself I will say thank you.

thank you to my friends who know me better than anyone else. thank you to a force bigger than I that I can lean on when I falter, when I waver, when I have no more hope. no more hope to give or use to go on. I want to be part of the solution. I want to inspire. I want to believe in possibility, in endless skies. I want to lead and mentor, learn and grow and to be humble. I want to believe.

thank you azo for knowing me. for knowing when my dark days come and for reminding me of my patterns. sometimes only a friend can give you perspective. it takes love to make courage. if honesty is filled with love, love no matter what, I can hear it.

*
in my field there are voices. they tell us we cannot get off the train. they say that if we are not behind a stove every minute of every day we don't deserve to wear the uniform.

but sometimes life gets in the way of those voices. I will never forget the matter of fact voice I used years ago when I called my kitchen to say I was not going to be at work that day, and maybe the next day, because I was in the hospital. plain, factual, emotionless. finally I could not be at work and I had no control over it. release. let go.

this business takes heart. if you're whole heart's not in it it's not worth it. and there are no cowboys on islands. for every success there is a team, not a person. I am not whole unless you can see all those who came before me. if you can't see every cook, every chef, every pastry chef I've ever worked for, worked with. I am a compilation. I have no recipe.

*

if you don't know who you are this will confuse you.

*

I belong to an organization with millions of members. we are a faith and hope lending machine. we have a lot of sayings.

   you can start your day over at any hour

is one of them. it sounds trite, I know. but believe me when I say these sayings have saved my life. I was not meant to reach the age of thirty, let alone forty. not at the rate I was going. so every day is something.

    sometimes god does for you what you cannot do for yourself

sometimes a window opens and there is light, if even for an instant. some days there is joy, and some days there is contentment. my joy is hard won. survival. struggle. I had the hustle. streetwise.

it takes heart. it takes humility to admit you haven't been who you suppose to be. it takes humility to admit. it takes heart to admit. it takes heart.

and then there's an opening. we can start over, you and I. I reach out and if you reach back there's possibility.

*

hope struggles out of the box. poor poor pandora.

*

what are your strengths, what are your weaknesses? can you admit failure and make a promise for better? can you admit failure and know you yourself are not a failure? who will take advantage of vulnerability? who will be more honest in the process? who is willing to admit humanness?
sometimes bravery is quiet.

what are you afraid of?

my heart never ceases to amaze me. I can't promise forgiveness but I can promise that I'll try. I will borrow your faith if you've some to spare. I will lean on your trunk when I am empty.

*

if you don't know who you are this will confuse you.

*

I steer away from defining myself complete. I am a work in progress. I have more questions than answers. I am not a recipe. and I need to remember that neither do you. more can change with compassion and empathy than attack. if I give up on you then nothing will ever change. and if I don't learn this lesson with you I'll meet another you again soon, I promise you this. what are your patterns?

*

I want to thank my team. for allowing honesty and tears and opening up. sometimes bravery is quiet. for allowing the possibility that we can start our day over at any hour. and to my friends-- ceaseless gratitude, love, admiration and a promise to venture forth with you no matter how difficult our life paths become. I know that I am naive to think that communication can solve everything, but there it is. a delicate flower. a hopeless romantic. an optimist in a cynic's body.

for side hugs and humility, I thank you. for engaging in the dance, even when the future is uncertain. love is not insurance. passion is haphazard. faith is a dedicated practice. humility is not humiliation.

thank you for standing side by side on the firing line naked. here's to riding the roller coaster. thank you for strapping me in and holding my hand.

*

if you don't know who you are this will confuse you.

*

and if you think you know who you are this will confuse you. because there is no recipe for this ride. there is only your heart. how much can you love?

sometimes bravery is quiet.

Comments

[doppjuice]

drinking your words up like fresh squeezed juice tonight. thank you.

[beckie]

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this. I needed so much to be reminded about what honesty is, what trust is and what goodness, strength, perseverance and love can do. This post absolutely did the trick.

[latecia]

I will hold my hand out to meet yours. Thank you, Shuna. I know that your hand is always extended too. It is much easier to face anger with anger than with humility. Humility is the greater power. Love is the greater power. What a beautiful spirit you are. Thank you, Shuna.

[Dad & Ellen]

You're a bright light, Shuna, keep shining. We love you! Faith, hope, and the greatest of all, love!

[Lauren]

things i needed to read. beautiful shuna.

[vonsachsen]

I have been stuck for several years now, didn´t know how to go on and today I´m reading this:
"can you admit failure and know you yourself are not a failure?"
I didn´t and still don´t, but this will be my task for many days to come. Thank you for showing me the direction and giving me a tool for going on!

[Joker0]

Thanks! I needed to read a story of somebody in a situation similar or equal to mine: I'm learning to avoid black patterns, loving myself and using "tools" like your thoughts. Thanks :) I like very much how your eyes look in the photo "shuna, at work".

[Jen S]

Beautiful sentiment. So true that we need to feel humility and fully heave heart to make it in life. To enjoy life and surround yourself with joy.

[Ryan]

Thought is the Arrow of Time, Memory Never Fades. THANK_YOU.