the chapter you weren't planning on writing.

you like where you live.
no, scratch that.
you love where you live.
you never want to leave. the house.
like you never want to go outside.
you can see the outside just fine, thank you, because you're house is mostly windows.
you call it the treehouse
and it also looks like a ship
and feels like an attic
which checks off all your boxes
not to mention
that you've never lived alone
all by yourself
with only your own aesthetic to keep you company

until now.

the treehouse.

it sounds romantic.
because it is.
and so
you never want to leave it.

no matter that where you live
all around you
the industry you've worked so hard to learn that craft in
is getting smacked and spanked and pinched and pressed
(in a bad way)
and you know it personally
because you lost your job
even though it was a brand new restaurant
and had so much potential
{but you did see the writing on the wall} and yelled yourself sore like Henny Penny because you did in fact see the writing [in blood] on the wall but no matter because no one was listening or so you thought

         until they laid you off.

ha.

they showed you.

{in that case who says, 'i told you so?'}

well anyways, so carrying on ~
you loved your home
and you told everyone you were never going to leave
unless it was to Portland
but you weren't ready for Portland yet
even though you can't explain why.

and then

this phonecall came.
and the phonecall said, 'are you interested in this thing in England?'
and you said yes
even though you were screaming no
a silent scream
but a scream nonetheless
because you love your leetle treehouse and all the roses and your cute street and how you can walk to The Cheeseboard and BART and your planties are so happy
and hey
so are you.

but you say yes,

o yes, i am interested in this thing in England.
because one day about 10 years ago
you got a similar phonecall
and that phonecall said,
'do you want to work at The French Laundry?'
and you did the very same thing:
you replied yes when your inside voice was screaming no
but you know what?

you are not allowed to say no to that question

because you wouldn't even be worth the bullet
if you said no when someone called you to ask if you wanted to work at The French Laundry.

and just like 10 years ago
you thought that even though you were saying yes to this thing you were secretly sicking No on
you probably wouldn't get it anyway
because my god that's a long shot, right?
and surely they'll find someone who can scream yes
by way of all their voices
{no matter how many of them are silent or heard}
and you'll be left
to your contentedness
your treehouse
your quiet
and you.

but no
i mean yes
yes you were not left to take root in your treehouse.
your wings were gently unfurled
and someone showed you
that you could fly again.
that you could start over
start anew
and begin a new chapter.

and so it begins.

the chapter you weren't planning on writing.

Comments

[sam]

congratulations Shuna

Hi Sam. Thank you for being the first to comment-- it bodes well, no? I look forward to seeing you in your home country one day soon... xo Shuna

[Victoria]

So I literally shed a little tear because leaving a beloved place is soooooooo hard for me. Even if it's leaving for a good thing, an exciting thing, an expanding thing, there can be such an ache.

So - I may be wrong - but it sounds like you will be eating Smarties instead of M & M's.

Whatever it is, good luck and

p
l
e
a
s
e

keep writing.

[Jennywenny]

Good luck with your new chapter. If I understand correctly you are maybe thinking about moving back to London.

I just spent a few days back in the UK and I had a wonderful time there and found the food was just so great, so honest and so delicious, and that it can be fun as well as good and properly ethically produced. I hope it brings you happiness.

Careful with the drinking, thats all they seem to do there...

[Rachelle]

Good luck in your new endeavors, Shuna. You will be missed.

~R

[nicole]

OMG you're coming to London to live and work?! That would be so totally fantastic. Not that I'm in england, I'm in Germany, so it's still not next door, but at least then I could dream about taking one of your classes (if you're doing classes) and think about saving up some money for the trip and everything and it might actually happen, because it won't cost a million Euro! Whee, I might get to eat a Shuna dessert!
Oh, and if you're totally not moving to London, ever, just don't burst my bubble quite yet, ok?

Hello Nicole. you live in Germany? feel free to come to England with Lebkuchen and marzipan and all those wondrous things Germany makes so well around Christmastime. I have quite a thing for those types of sweets. I don't know about classes yet but as soon as I do eggbeater readers will know as well... Thanks for your words and support! ~ Shuna

[Fatemeh]

Auguri, Shuna. And what a nice chance to start a new chapter.

[Evan Elliot]

Why did you say yes when your insides were screaming no? In both cases (London and The French Laundry) it appears that "yes" worked out well for you. It's fascinating, then, this tug of war between yes and no and stay and go. Perhaps "listen to your gut" is not the best advice after all? Or perhaps we should listen with one ear only.

[Anita / Married ...with Dinner]

I'm trying hard not to think about what it will be like without you in the Bay Area -- because it's unfathomable -- and ignoring what it means that a chef of your caliber can't earn enough to make it here; pastry seems to be dying here. I hadn't realized how much I was hoping that you'd land somewhere where we could eat at all the time.

But on the other hand, we already have four sets of London friends -- more than any other city in the world (other than Seattle which doesn't count 'cause we used to live there) -- so it's not like we won't get to see you. Or keep tabs on what you're up to.

But I will miss the classes, and miss running into you at the market or at parties or around town. And miss the opportunity to eat one of your fabulous desserts now and then.

Safe travels to you.

[kiita]

A big, big, big change up ahead! That voice screaming NO is important: she warns you when you're going into a venture that doesn't seem quite right; also she wants the peace and autonomy of your own space, as you convey in the photographs. I relate to both of those impulses so very much. On my best days, I hope to carry that peace and quiet and intuition wherever I go. Best wishes with the transition.

[vincent]

holy shit shuna-if you are saying what I think you're saying...holy shit shuna!
Your posts and pics from London have been great. Miss you. Congrats, sincerely

Vincent, miss you back. already. thanks. ~ Shuna

[EB]

Oh wow! Leaving our fair city? Please do keep us posted. I'll be in London in the summer and would love to be able to still taste your treats. All the very best luck.

hello EB, I hope that I will be there still in the summer too and that you'll be able to taste my mysterious treats. Barring complete failure all this might be true... ~ Shuna

[Roberto N.]

Kudos and good luck!

[TBTAM]

Wow.

It never ceases to amaze me how sometimes it takes something we don't think we want (in your case a layoff) to shake us up and move us on to the next phase of growth.

This is such wonderful news. Congrats!

TBTAM, this could not be a truer statement. sometimes something literally comes out of the ether and it's wondrous and changes you forever. I have no idea what's out there but for some reason I'm looking forward to the challenge. ~ Shuna

[Joy]

Oh my God! Congratulations!!!

[Emily]

Sad Pandas...
I never got to meet you officially but brushed paths with you once. I think you are brilliant and wish I could have mustered up the nerve to say hello when I did see you. I'm going to miss my local crush that no one knew about.
Congratulations!

O Emily! Look at how absolutely sweet you are! I am quite approachable, or so I like to think, so I, too, am sorry I did not meet you in person... Maybe one day in a land farther away from here. ~ Shuna

[Aran]

but this will be so exciting and i'm very happy for you even though leaving your treehouse will be a hard thing to do. congrats shuna.

[Amy Sherman]

Taking risks, stepping outside your comfort zone. Ouch. But also yay!

[devon]

Someone already did the "holy shit" thing, but "holy shit congratulations!" was my immediate reaction so there you go.

WOOHOO! London obviously lights a fire in your soul... I'm so happy for you! =)

[Tom]

How sad for Portland that London is calling- we'll wait patiently until you decide to return home- I am sure we have a tree house for you here! Best of luck in London, and bring back some fresh ideas for the "City of Roses", for when you open your own place! Peace, Love and Best Wishes.

[Scooter]

Those unexpected chapters are the greatest adventures of all. How absolutely mind-numbingly scary exciting for you. It’s great for the world you’ll be out there. Think of yourself as a junior Julia Child, just on the brink of widely acknowledged acclaim, inspiring aspiring pastry chefs everywhere. Rock on, sister

[bb]

That was a great, heart tugging yet hopeful farewell, Shuna. Good luck, I'm sure it will be another great experience. And like others said, keep writing, please. If not for you then for those of us who love your words!! And by the way, if you do happen to make it to Portland...my town where I can't ever imagine leaving...it would be so perfect for you. I hope it happens!!

[Chubby]

Oi! Cheers mate!

[Jeanne]

Hey!! You're gonna be HERE?? And I might actually get to take one of your classes?? That's fabulous! I hope that this unexpected turn of events works out as well as the French Laundry gig did. Please get in touch once you are here, and safe travels.

[Malini]

Cool! Hope you still have time for us via Eggbeater.

Wishing you all the best and success on this side of the pond.

[Kerrie]

Shuna, this is fate calling. Fate says forget London and follow your first idea of coming to Portland. That way you can make me dessert.

Not buying I'm fate??? Ok, then good luck in London, and hope you find it to be wonderful.

Kerrie, Methinks there are less jobs fr pastry chefs in Portland than there are even in SF right now. But I do aim to live there oneday as I love it so and maybe London will be the best practice for it! Thanks for your support. ~ Shuna

[Sarah]

Shuna,

Congratulations on your new adventure. Like Emily above, I too have run into you a few times at farmer's markets and have been too shy to come up and say hi. Too late now, sadly.

But this isn't going to stop me from reading Eggbeater, and being inspired by you on the other side of the pond. I wish you all the very best, and so appreciate your candor, courage, creativity, and poetry.

Cheers!

Sarah, There is still time as there are 6 farmers' markets before I get on that plane... Thank you for your wondrous words on my words. Thank you for noticing. ~ Shuna

[kayenne]

Congratulations!!! That's wonderful news! I'm nowhere nearer London than SF, but I'm thrilled for you! Opportunities like this needs to be grabbed and taken a chance on.

[Roger]

Hi Shuna,
I thought the East Bay was far!
Hope we can meet up again before you make the big move. And then again after the big move. Happy Trails

[Tartelette]

That is absolutely smashingly awesome!! I am thrilled to be following your adventures from England now! I am sincerely happy for you, you deserve to bump elbows with the fine crops of London.

[keiko]

Can't wait to see you again and drag you around to places :) Hope everything's going well, take care. kxxx

[KungFoozzzz]

I think living life is about learning to leave the nest...again, and again, and again. and each time it is bittersweet and exhilirating.

[Aaron]

Shuna,

Wow. Just wow. You've summed up my life for the last six months. That phone call: I've gotten it (albeit not the French Laundry, but about as good as you can get in Atlanta). There was a unspoken "no" when I said yes. I am lucky, I suppose, to be able to see the people I left at my previous place, but it is so hard to answer the questions of "are you happy at the new place?" Well yes, of course...no...my career is benefiting, but man I miss that place.

I thought, that I was the only one who felt that way.

Thank you.

Aaron

[lovebabz]

YOU GO GIRL!

This is the most magical piece of posting I have read in along time!

I am jumping on my dinning room table cheering and shouting your name!
GO GO GO GO GO!

[lee]

Oh, Shuna. Such fabulous news! I hope it works out better than you could have ever imagined. I've been rooting for you for years.

[ann]

Congrats Shuna!! It all sounds so exciting, and yet completely bittersweet, which is the crossroads from which some of the greatest journeys are started. Good luck and keep writing!

[johanna]

congrats! i live in new york but am in london often. where will you be working? england has such a rich tradition of puddings am sure it will suit you!

[Gemma]

I'm obviously behind the times in only just finding your blog but its great and good luck here in London wherever you are heading. If you do find yourself giving some classes I'll try and see you there.

[Andy]

Shuna....The whole move sounds scary and yet very exciting. I have this strange feeling that you are going to make the most of it! I've spent some time in the UK up north mostly.. The brits are wonderful people, once you get past the language barrier =) I'm a retired firefighter from NJ. I do have some good friends in the London Fire Brigade so if you burn down the flat, just mention my name =) Ummmm on second thought don't .... Make many many memories while you're there. and just think now you can vacation or "holiday" in Portland =) all the best. Andy

[mouse]

I came across your blog while looking for the name of the blueberry farm on Sauvie Island last summer, and fell even more in love with my own city through your journeys here. I've been checking in periodically since.

How lucky for London to get you for now. Not just for your delicious pastries and love of your craft, but the wonder and beauty you seem to bring out with your enthusiastic enjoyment of your surroundings.

This prose poem brought little prickles on my skin. The next time I'm afraid to move forward I'm pulling this out and rereading it.

mouse. this comment is absolutely gorgeous. thank you for writing and sharing it with me and those who spend time here. perhaps i will have the good fortune to meet you when i go to pdx next. it calls me, even eight thousand miles away. ~ shuna